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Perception


Wonderful thing, perception. Chambers Twentieth Century Dictionary defines it as:

Act or power of perceiving, discernment, apprehension of any modification of consciousness, the combining of sensations into a recognition of an object, direct recognition, a percept, reception of a stimulus.

So, in short, it is how we “see” things and people. A bit like recognising a spotty, hooded youth as a neurosurgeon on his day off!! So how does this link in to motorcycles? I shall let you into a secret – I’m unique. Thank the Lord; I must be the only person this side of the Milky Way to not personally have known someone who was killed on a motorcycle. I must have led a charmed life. So how does this tie in with perception – allow me to explain by way of a tale.

Some years ago, an old and dear friend of mine ran his own car repair business in the Rhondda Valley where I used to lend a hand. One fine day, I happened to be putting the final polish on my gleaming black Honda CX500 (OK, leave the jokes out) after having spent what seemed like an eternity scraping off the winter’s worst. I became aware of a presence nearby, it was a customer collecting his car who then struck up a conversation with me. "Dangerous thing that bike says he". My reply can’t be printed, suffice it to say it rhymes (loosely) with Rolex. "Of course they’re dangerous", he insisted and then went on to tell me about how many people he knew who’d shuffled of this mortal coil as a result of an association with a machine that was surely the creation of Beelzebub himself. I repeated my reply. He clearly wasn’t convinced that bikes weren’t dangerous so I embarked upon a scientific experiment.

I gave him my wallet containing the princely sum of about two brown non-refundable alcohol vouchers, the keys to my brand new Vauxhall Astra (Diesel, no less with 5 gears) and my new Pulsar diver's watch. I then informed him that I was going to spend a penny and that if, upon my return, my Honda had mauled or savaged him, he could keep what I had entrusted him with. The glazed look on his face was still there when I emerged from what was loosely described as a toilet to find him safe and sound. I recovered my property and attempted to go about the remainder of my business when he began to cast doubt on my sanity. I then asked him if he would get into a cage with a lion, to which he said no as that would be dangerous. When it was pointed out to him that lions are, indeed, dangerous, we both agreed that this is because a lion has a brain and can think and can take a dislike (or develop a taste!) for a person and do that person a serious mischief.

A motorcycle, irrespective of how expensive it may be, will sit and look at you until the second coming of the Messiah without causing you to be in the slightest fear for your safety. We came to the conclusion – eventually – that anything that can think can be dangerous and can attack for no apparent reason. A motorcycle can only be dangerous if there are some other factors in the equation – the biggest single one being the rider. If you ain’t riding it, you ain’t gonna fall off it – simple as that. Neither can you hit anything. There are, of course other factors in the equation such as the local Highway Authority’s best attempts to remain just the right side of the Trades Descriptions Act when deeming that stretch of carriageway that last saw a repair by some chap called Caesar as a “road” and the ever-present terminally myopic Captain of a recycled U-boat (large, expensive, German car).

The point I am making is this (yes, there is a moral to this story). My recent acquaintance was convinced that all motorcycles were evil, dangerous machines because of the number of folks he knew who were killed whilst riding one. Fair point. Every time he saw some Muppet doing an Evel Knievel along the high street he saw danger and heard noise and made the inevitable link. It must have taken me the thick end of an hour to turn him around – time I don’t have to convince and convert the rest of the inhabitants of this wonderful land we live in. There are more motorcyclists than just me out there and do you know what – each and every one of you is an ambassador for motorcycling. If you want to get your knee down – fine; if you want to ride with zero front tyre wear – be my guest; if you want to stun pigeons with the pulse cannon you call an exhaust – feel free. Just remember that everything you do that is PERCEIVED as wrong or anti-social is another nail in the coffin of freedom for YOU to ride what YOU want whenever YOU want to. Keep that sort of stuff for the track not the Queens Highway. Don’t forget – Nanny is watching us all!!

I don’t want to be tarred with the same brush that paints Muppets; I want to be able to ride free and long and in peace without having to fight for every inch of road, which is what could happen.

So please, ride safe, ride responsibly so we can all ride free!!

An Endangered Species!

Here we have a rare picture of an endangered species called “Biker”.

(Greybeardicus bikus wobblyus).

His normal habitat is anywhere he can get to astride his trusty steed, a prehistoric Honda Transalp. This habitat is called “Road”. Biker doesn’t have a mating call as such but does have a considerable repertoire of cries intended to alert other hibernating drivers to his presence. These cries have been captured on audiotape on numerous occasions but have never been broadcast owing to the risk of litigation under the Obscenities Act.

Biker can travel alone or has been known to travel in packs ranging in size from two or three to many hundreds even thousands when indulging in acts of charity for the less fortunate. These acts of charity seem to confound the many people who view Biker as vermin to be driven to the verge of extinction but they would do well to be wary of Bikers resilience when trapped or ensnared. Overall, he or she is a social and usually gregarious creature, known to congregate in groups, lured by the scent of "Bacon Butties" and "Coffee". Some of his species have even been known to take young offspring astride their machines, sitting them on a strange portion of the machine known to scientists as the “Pillion Seat”. Said offspring fulfil various roles including navigator and something known as “Ballast” or "Passenger"  It would appear that these offspring possess an uncanny ability to display pleasure whilst being transported upon machines that many see as more likely to inflict personal injury than a guided missile.

There is speculation that telepathic communication exists between Biker and Passenger but research has shown this to be nothing more extraordinary than "Intercom".

Sadly, Biker is an endangered species. His predators are few but nonetheless dangerous. The most lethal being Man. In particular Volvo Man, Mercedes Man, BMW Man, White Van Man and the most skilled of all – Phone Man. Woman was never perceived as a significant threat to Biker until recently. There is growing suspicion that Man has been training Woman in predatorial skills and even equipping her with large and powerful cars with which to hunt the more vulnerable Biker. His environment is also under threat with more and more traps for the unwary or Junior Biker. These traps take many forms but two worthy of note are Potholes and Diesel Fuel.

The most feared of all predators, however, is a large omnipotent being called “Nanny”. No one has ever seen Nanny and little is known of her origin or even her natural habitat but to many she is regarded with almost mythical reverence. She is said to possess the ability to recognise an ancient state of mind called “Fun” and, in almost an instant, consume it totally. She appears to be a “Queen Bee” type creature surrounded by drones known as “Politician” and “Politically Correct”, these being amongst the most feared predators that have ever roamed the planet. It is indeed a brave and courageous being that will engage Nanny or her drones with any realistic hope of survival.

Biker needs your support. He will cause you no harm other than to inflict Fun upon you should you be mesmerised by his infectious joy at being at one with his machine. Should you find yourself bored or, even worse, in that state of mind called “Misery”, he and his tribe will surround you with warmth and transport you to wondrous places beyond your imagination. Some examples of these places are  "Bike Shows", "Ride-Outs" and "Cafes". Children in particular seem particularly eager to participate in Fun as long as regular refuelling with "Chips"and "Ice-Cream" is factored into the excursion. There are some that speculate that Biker possesses extra sensory perception and is able to sense when a tribe member or offspring is in danger and respond almost instantaneously to protect them from harm and driving away danger with highly developed weapons employing “pulse wave repulsion”. These weapons have sometimes been known as “End Cans” and seem to serve no more sinister purpose than to assist with the expulsion of waste gases from the power unit of the machine (known as "Engine") where the chemical compounds of these gases can actually help with the growth of large shrubs called “Trees”.

Without your support he will eventually slip into extinction and with him will go the potential for many other species to experience Fun. There is also the growing risk that Nanny’s consumption of all Fun could lead to her terminal obesity and elevated cholesterol levels with the unthinkable becoming possible – the extinction of Nanny herself!! Please do not just sit back and allow another highly intelligent and advanced species disappear. Greet Biker with a cheery wave and a friendly word. Warn him of predators of all kinds be they animal, mineral or vegetable. Tall yellow boxes with glaring, staring eyes that emit lightning flashes are another species of predator and will pounce without immediate warning. Injury only becoming apparent several days after the attack. His feeding habits are surprisingly simple and can be employed to befriend any Biker. Offers of bacon butties, Kenco Really Rich and BP Ultimate will draw even the most timid Biker into the open where his affable nature will soon manifest itself.